The past three days have been loaded with all the feels. Friday was Lunar New Year, which is an important holiday for Boris’s family. They usually celebrated as a family in some way and he’d always get a little red envelope with money. I know the holiday must be challenging for his parents and sister now, so I always acknowledge it. Today, I dropped by his parents’ house with some desserts to wish them a happy new year and check-in. Because of COVID, I haven’t spent much time with them over the last year, so I cherish the quick visits.
And, of course, the obvious dreaded holiday for widows was today. Valentine’s Day was never a huge deal for us as a couple, but we always did something together. On our first Valentine’s Day, Boris made fettuccine alfredo and we watched the movie A Lot Like Love. One year we got dressed up and went to an expensive, fancy restaurant that we had no business going to as broke college kids. The portions of food were so small that we both realized we were still hungry afterward. We ended up going to Krystal with our two close friends by the end of the night. Very romantic and classy. Boris had to work on the last Valentine’s Day we spent together, so I met him after his shift ended and we ate takeout Japanese and a Frosty from Wendy’s. It was just fun to be together.
This year, I hit a new milestone (not sure if that is the right word for it?) that I didn’t even know would be a “thing”. Someone else asked me to do something for Valentine’s Day. [Context: I have been seeing this guy for over a year now, but it is a bit complicated. When we met, I was looking for something low-key and casual and he lives about an hour away. Unexpectedly, we ended up developing a really good friendship, although most of it happens through texts. Throw in a pandemic, him having an emergency appendectomy, me having to move in with my parents, and my dad requiring 24/7 care…we have ourselves a complicated situation where we don’t have a lot of time or space for a real relationship to happen. We see each other once every 2 months or so, but we still text daily.] Now, back to the “thing”. Several days ago, he sent me a text that said, “Hey, you wanna do something for Valentine’s Day?” He then suggested we go on a hike, which we’ve done together before. Without much thought, I told him that sounded fun, but then I had to stop and ask myself, do I want to do something with him for Valentine’s Day? Boris is the only relationship I have ever had, so this was new territory for me. I couldn’t sort out my feelings. We postponed our hike due to cold, rainy weather and I felt a sense of relief–but why? I think the idea of spending a day that is all about romance with a new person freaked me out more than I expected.
Yesterday, I decided to look through old Valentine’s Day cards from Boris. Sometimes I like to “press the bruise” as I call it–I like to feel the hurt. As I read a few of them, I smiled at his weird jokes and the way he always signed his full-name as if I knew someone else named Boris who would give me a Valentine’s Day card. Then, I came across this card where he included this quote, “There is no remedy for love but to love more” by Henry David Thoreau. I’d read this card a million times but never gave it a second thought. It stood out to me this time because there is a poem, Blessing for the Brokenhearted by Jan Richardson (a widow), that uses this quote before its first stanza. This poem was introduced to me by a fellow widow and I even had it printed and framed for her last year. The poem is about opening your heart after it’s been broken by a loss.
Blessing for the Brokenhearted
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
—Henry David Thoreau
Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.
Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.
Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—
as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,
as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,
as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.
—Jan Richardson
I felt like finding this quote inside a Valentine’s Day card from Boris was a “wink” from him. I knew this meant that it was ok to open my heart and even celebrate a stupid commercial holiday with someone else. I don’t know what will happen with my relationship with this new person in my life, but this sign gave me a bit of reassurance that it is ok. It is scary to think about, but I feel like I am closer to figuring it out.
I hope everyone made it through today. If today was extra terrible, just know that my heart breaks with you and you are not alone in your pain or loneliness.
xo