Widow's Voice

The Return of the King

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Sometimes I want to look back a couple of years and reflect on where I was to help me see just how much I’ve grown. Day to day can sometimes feel like there’s no forward momentum but looking back over months and years shows me I’ve traveled many miles.
I had my crown stripped and my kingdom burned down right before my eyes. I was emotionally homeless knocked from Sire to surf. I wondered the forest waiting for Robinhood to steal from the rich and give to the grieving. I waited a long time but he never showed so I began to travel again. Along the way, I’ve picked up courage and strength. I learned new emotional trades and begun to share what I make with others. Slowly a new reality began to build up around me stone by stone with the help of the community my trades have grown.
As I sit and write this I look at my social surroundings and realize I’ve rebuilt a kingdom, a court and it has filled itself with amazing people. I am so very grateful to be back in the throne of my life and I promise to always wear a crown of kindness.
The king has returned…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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