Lee had directed to be cremated, like her folks. Some of Lee’s cremains are now a part of her beloved Deer Tick Manor, but I have ashes that still must be spread. Next year will mark the fifth anniversary of her passing, and I’m trying to decide where and how best to fulfill my sad duty.
***
Naturally, I have personal preferences but then I turned to the internet as it seemed prudent to gather research. I entered a broad search term but no sooner had I received the results than I realized I had made a serious error. I was being dunned by dozens of crass advertisements and glossy sales pitches interspersed with tiny bits of useful information. Page after page of irrelevant internet garbage where every variation to my initial search terms seemed to lead down yet another bottomless rabbit hole.
***
I am running across decorated urns of every conceivable size and shape. I look over my two small urns, containing Lee’s remaining ashes, and try to imagine the size of the person who requires one the size of a large table lamp. I examine pages containing the photographs of handsome actors holding “ash” tubes while pretending to disperse human remains against the backdrop of a sparkling sea, a placid lake, a pristine, snow-capped mountain, or a quiet grove of ancient, giant trees.
It becomes obvious to me that I am tackling an unexpectedly emotionally super-charged and complex task. Despite the interminable hawking and blatant internet commercialism, my eyes are soon moist, and I shed salty tears. Making decisions will neither be simple nor quick for me, as I had imagined.
***
The substantive articles I did manage to locate were basically of two kinds. One type enumerates the most popular and desirable places to spread ashes of a loved one, along with the relative pros and cons. See e.g., Planning a Ceremony for Spreading Ashes: 11 Meaningful Ideas found at https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/ashes-scattering-ceremony. The other type identifies ceremonial words, prayers, poems, songs, and so forth, appropriate to the occasion.
I came across one illuminating piece where the writer lamented that her deceased husband had insisted that he wanted his ashes spread far and wide throughout the world. However, she learned the hard way not to transport such precious cargo in her suitcase after a foreign airline managed to lose her luggage. The refrain of “Charlie of the MTA,” a novelty tune made popular by the Kingston Trio, popped into my head: “Will he ever return, no he’ll never return, and his fate is still unlearned. He will ride forever ‘neath the streets of Boston, he’s the man who never returned.”
Meanwhile, someone else pointed out that if you are planning to “carry on” the ashes when you fly, be prepared to deal with the TSA and its myriad rules and nonsense. What a hassle!
***
As mentioned, many ash-spreading ceremonies take place near water. Indeed, at first, I had considered one magical destination on the Osa Peninsula where the warm Pacific washes over an isolated white sand beach lying adjacent to tall, impenetrable green cliffs and dense rain forest, sheltering shrieking howlers from view, when suddenly I recalled that Lee was a weak swimmer who might have drown while snorkeling had I not been there to prevent it.
I pause my research. Do I select a site based on my memories (and personal preferences) or presume to choose a place I think Lee herself might have chosen? Does one invite family or friends? And, what, if anything, really remains to be said?
There are other factors to consider. For example, for many years, Lee’s mom proudly displayed a wooden heart with a mawkish aphorism about love, attributed to Helen Keller, on a wall in her small apartment. I would quietly chuckle or shake my head at its sheer tackiness whenever I noticed it. Suddenly one day, long after the old lady had passed, I saw this same wooden heart displayed on a wall in my home. Recognizing it as an important keepsake to Lee I managed to bite my tongue. And today, it remains on the same wall where she hung it. I’ve now read its message so often that I wonder whether it reflects a deeper truth. Does it still belong to Lee?
Although the fifth anniversary of Lee’s passing is still months off, I need to consider these serious questions in the near term before making any final decisions.
