After a week of being less social that usual, last Friday night sucked. Really, really sucked. I have no idea what triggered the mess. I wasn’t wallowing around in old wedding pictures. I hadn’t gone back in time to read our Great Cancer Adventure blog (reading about our last days together still transforms me into a wailing mess of a man.) But…
widowhood and grief triggers
Maybe It’s Just The Week ….
…. that is causing so many of us to feel so many more emotions right now? I don’t know. I still don’t know how this grief thing works. Or, more pointedly, how it doesn’t work. All I do know is that it sucks.It sucks that Dan’s “date” was yesterday (I just can’t use the word “anniversary” to describe the annual reminder of such a horrific day). It…
Sending out an SOS
I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do. But I’m falling apart here at work. I need to express myself without speaking, as I am unable to speak without tears. Heavy tears. I came into work today expecting it to be like any other day. I am a family court counselor, and I meet with parents to help them reach agreements regarding the custody of…
UnHappy Anniversary
Not sure where to begin. It’s definitely a time of reflection. Tomorrow, Tuesday, will be two years. What is appropriate for a two year anniversary? The first year is paper. Last year at this time I was …wait a minute. Don’t you usually ‘celebrate’ anniversaries? Seems like the two words, anniversary and celebration, go hand in hand.Yesterday for…
Clean, Fresh Landing
We’re moving. September 16 the packers come. September 17 they take it all and move it to our new digs. I’ve been clearing out, getting rid of stuff, And bumping into him.On Thursday, the kids and I emptied out his closet. He had his own closet. It was such a tiny thing for such a big man. (6’6″) At four months, I got rid of all the clothes…
They just don’t get it…
I make no secret of the fact that I want a permanent teaching gig at the kids’ school. I changed career a couple of years ago so that I could spend more time with my kids, and my aim has always been to work in a primary school, preferably the same one that the kids attend. But those jobs are hard to come by. So I took a position teaching maths…
Missed, Loved, and Remembered
Hi honey, Six years ago today you headed out the door for what would be your final bike ride. You checked the tires on your bike, oiled the chain, filled two water bottles, kissed me good-bye, left, came back for some unidentified thing (I still wonder what brought you back, and if those additional moments cost you your life), and then kissed me…
Looking for Him
Two years ago, less than three months after he died, I went looking for him. I remembered this today, as I made a to-do list. Things that need to happen before two of my three kids fly back east, without me. Even now, the notion of looking for him makes sense. So, I went back to the post I wrote on August 4, 2009.—– The chair where he always sat…
Weirdly Emotional ….
(This is a post I wrote 10 months after Jim died. It still applies.) This is one of those pictures that doesn’t need any words about love. It’s there. OK, let me just warn you upfront. This is going to be a weird post. I’m going to try to explain something that I felt yesterday but I don’t really know how to explain it, and I wonder how…
Ouch! again
Damn them. Damn the U.S. Postal Service for being the excellent trackers they are. And, damn life for it’s ongoing kick in the stomach. It has been 11 months since I moved away from our San Francisco home, in need of a fresh start with as few reminders as possible. It’s been two further moves once settled in San Diego. I didn’t want to spend the…
My Heart Breaks Just a Little ….
…. every time I see how much our children look like (or act like) Jim. The above picture is of our youngest, Son #3 and his prom date this past weekend. I was not here to witness the event (he’s only a sophomore so it wasn’t THE prom). I was in Alaska, taking care of my brother who had surgery while I was there.This young lady’s mom sent me the…
I’m in between
I’m currently in between jobs. Because I wasn’t exactly sure when my new job would begin, I had to play it cautiously, and give two weeks’ notice to my most recent employer. It was a matter of jumping through many pre-employment hoops, then playing the waiting game of all the required documentation to be returned to the Human Resources office,…