Your death stripped me down to bone and marrow. It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground A sharp bladed axe, Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground. Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.It took effort and…
Widowed Lonliness
Castle Made of Sand
Monday mornings are typically tough getting back into the grind but when your person’s birthday consumes that first day of a new week’s energy you can barely make it through the day let alone the week. This is the second birthday without him. These milestones seem to be flying by faster and faster but the space Tin filled seems to be just as…
Understanding “Freedom”
The Fourth of July – All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By definition, freedom means you are not enslaved or forced to act or be a certain way. You are not trapped. Of course, for the USA freedom means all of…
Thoughts About the Dead
I miss the weight of her body on top of me falling asleep. I miss how white her teeth were and how her tying bells aroourful skirts from Rajastan. I miss watching her tying bells around her ankles and practicing classical Indian dance. I miss hearing her opinions on politics, race, climate change, gender and the cosmos. I even miss…
Thinking, and Overthinking~
What do you think about happiness? The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean. And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person? Do you even know what it means in this life after?I don’t know what happiness or joy means in this life. It certainly isn’t what it used to be when Chuck was alive. When I felt easy,…
The Scariest Part of Surgery
This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses makes me cringe but I was so fed up with glasses that I decided to go through with the surgery and get it over with. As the day got closer, I got…
A Thousand Years Ago~
A thousand years ago I leaned down Placed my hands to each side of your sunken cheeks Closed my eyes, As yours were closed, And so very gently kissed your lips that had gone completely white As you took your last breath.A thousand years ago As I kissed your lips, As I’d kissed them thousands of times before This time now, for the last time… My…
“Me Too”
I’ve felt abnormal my whole life. Ever since I became aware of how my own childhood with a single father who was an alcoholic was far different from the seemingly idyllic 2 parent households of all the other kids at my private school. I’ve never fit in. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Largely, because of death and grief. When my mom died, I…
What Lies Within
It’s an interesting thing how people around you say they understand and they will be there for you. However when you have a tough day and they respond by saying: “I thought you said you were ok and moving on.” “I was ok that day but there are no rules to what’s going on in my heart and my head.” In all honesty I don’t know how to say…
Small Screen Surprises
I had my sister and a friend in town this past week and it was wonderful. We had a great time relaxing and just enjoying each others’ company. All of us are working a side business together with a big company and doing very well. The company had recently reached out to me and asked me to host a local event. What an honor and what an amazing…
Questions. For Myself. For Others~
What does one do, 6 years after being widowed? Where do we stand? What does life mean in the here and now? Does the future finally carry meaning for us? Or is life simply one filled with questions? About ourselves, our lives, the life we lived, the life we have to live in the without…I always feel a vague sense of unease when I tell someone newly…
6 Years of Tired~
This isn’t going to be an upbeat blog. No apologies for that, but fair warning. I don’t have it in me today.Yesterday was 6 years since Chuck died. I wonder why I can’t seem to get wherever it is I’m supposed to get. In this widowed life, I mean. It’s felt, since I was first widowed, like I’ve had to continually strive to be somewhere in the…