I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
remarried widow
Looking Back, Looking Forward
I am in the 7th year AD (after Daniel). The 6th anniversary was in November, and this will be our 7th Christmas without him. I was thinking the other day, as Carl, the kids and I decorated the Christmas tree, that I could never have imagined this life that first Christmas in 2005. That Christmas is a dark blur in my mind’s eye. I vaguely remember…
My Other Ring
About four months after Phil’s death, I returned to my nail salon for the first time since being widowed. As I sat in the chair trying to keep it together while idle chatter swirled around me, my manicurist looked up and asked if I was going to take off my rings. Absently I handed them to her (my engagement ring, my wedding ring, and Phil’s wedding…
My Death Wish
Filling in for Jackie today with a post I wrote almost four years ago. Even today, I can clearly remember the feeling of wanting to be dead. It would have been terrifying if I were capable of feeling anything besides empty, but in that moment all I wanted was to be with Phil. Of all the words I have written over the past 5.8 months the ones I share…
That Other Shoe
Pictures of me in my current state of happiness make me nervous. I look at this photo with a sense of wonder at the fact that my smile looks genuine. The empty look that has shadowed my features for years appears to have faded. I am tempted to compare this photo to one of my “before” photos to see if I can tell the difference between these versions…
A Kind of Retirement
I love the idea that there is a time, and a season, for all things, but change has always been hard for me. I like sameness, actually I used to thrive in the familiar. But the transformation that has happened in my life since Phil’s death has taught me to accept my uneasiness regarding change as par for my particular course knowing that some of…
It’s 3:00AM
And I can’t sleep. This used to be a normal time to be sitting at my computer fingers tapping, and tears streaming down my face. I can’t count the number of times my feelings have been pounded out on my keyboard, but its been a good long time since the familiar ache of missing Phil has kept me awake into the wee hours of the morning. My heart is…
If You Weren’t Dead
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn’t appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, “Well then you shouldn’t have died,” to justify my behavior.This phrase when looked at from another angle…
Contradictions
Over the past month or so I have introduced Michael as my husband in a variety of circles. The responses to the word “husband” have been fascinating to me. When we are out with a group of friends or new acquaintances, the response is enthusiastic and congratulatory. These folks are just happy to see love in action. When in the company of people…
“The Widow”
At Church on Saturday evening we heard a reading from the Bible that included a widow. As the lector read the word “widow,” she changed the inflection of her voice. Later, during the sermon, our priest talked at length about the widow in the parable we’d just heard. Every single time he said the word, I cringed. He changed his tone too. There was…
Don’t Die
“Hi, it’s me. I forgot to ask you to be sure you ride in the second or third car of the train. Thanks.” “Wow, you are awfully close to the side of the road. Don’t get hit by a car.” “Bike ride? Um, sure that sounds like a good idea. Are you going out alone?” “Hi, you said you’d be home around three and it is three-thirty now. Just checking in.
I Didn’t Cry
When I first was able to entertain the thought of marrying again, I was certain that I would fall to pieces when asked to utter the phrase, “till death do us part.” Those four words mean something completely different now that I know what parting actually feels like. In fact, I often teared up when discussing my fear of this phrase with…