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husband

If What is Left, is This…then, yes~

March 13, 2018 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

As 5 years without you, edges its’ way ever nearer to me, and as my heart and soul hear the shuffle of time coming closer, creeping past, zooming closer, flying past.. As these ten thousand years have passed, since his death, as each nanosecond passes in the here and now, I remember how he loved me, how I loved him. I remember his calm spirit and…

Filed Under: Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Military Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: memories, love, anniversaries, military, honor, husband, dancing

And So it Must Always Be~

October 3, 2017 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

In the before moments As you hold tight while trying to let go Waiting for that last breath Dreading that last breath Holding your breath waiting for that last breath Gasping in your breath as he exhales his last breath Long Live LoveAs you sit and stand and pace and stare Wondering at this new world of without With only your breath in it Where…

Filed Under: Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: widow, love, death, husband, poetry

A Different On the Road Again~

October 12, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I’m on the road again. This time it was from Jersey, south to Maryland. Every piece of the road, every rest stop, every billboard, every bridge…all were familiar to me.  Chuck and I drove this route our second year out as Happily Homeless, as we made our way to Key West for the first time.  Our red Ford Escape and miles to go, absorbing the…

Filed Under: Widowed, Miscellaneous Tagged With: Travel, widow, on the road, husband, adventure, love story, happily homeless, Maryland, Key West, landmarks

It’s the 3 Dots at the end…

September 21, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

Of course you’ll always miss your husband….. It’s the but that you can read into those little dots at the end of that sentence that contain the crux of what the person is really saying. ….don’t hang onto the grief…. ….it’s your decision to be happy or not…. …..if you’re still struggling with grief, maybe you should go on…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Miscellaneous Tagged With: widow, judgement, husband, questions, confusion

What I Can’t Tell you~

April 27, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I feel compelled, now that I’ve passed the 3 year mark of my widowhood (as of April 21), to write one of those numbered lists of what helped me get through to this mark… Really, honestly, though, I couldn’t tell you how I’ve gotten here.  All I can tell you is that I look in the mirror at myself and ask how the FUCK have you done this? How…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Miscellaneous Tagged With: widowhood, death, husband, loss of hope, gratitude, grief

Upon This, I do Insist~

April 20, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I wonder, frequently, when grief changed from a normal, human response to the death of a loved one, to a condition that, seemingly, must be gotten through (with all due speed, thank you very much for your consideration), with clinical protocols assigned to it? When did grief get designated as complicated and unhealthy and uncomfortable and…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Therapy, Miscellaneous Tagged With: husband, combat shock, traumatic stress, shell shock, soldiers heart, DSM, complicated grief, therapy, widow, love

Oh, the Road of Crazy~

April 13, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I really am crazy. I know it. But I must do a fairly good job of appearing not only not crazy but really rational and okay, because nobody else thinks I’m crazy. They would if they knew what my heart really looks like and what the inside of my mind looks like. But none of that is evident on the outside.It isn’t that I’m holding back to any…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Miscellaneous Tagged With: love, grief, life, widowhood, husband, existential, anxiety

This Carrying~

April 6, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

A dear friend and Air Force widow sister said to me last weekend, in response to my endless questions to her about this grief (she’s 6 years out), and time frames and, oh, you know, everything…she said this to me, and I’ve reflected on it in the days since. It isn’t that it goes away. We just get stronger, and we carry it differently.Such…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Therapy, Miscellaneous Tagged With: on the road, husband, wings, counseling, Odyssey of Love, PinkMagic, EMDR, sugar addiction, therapy, widow

The Good, Bad, Ugly, and Everything in Between~

March 23, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

This is a list. Not a gratitude list necessarily, but a list that does include some good shit, nonetheless. And sometimes it’s easier to write in list form than prose form.  This past weekend I had a massive, huge, meltdown/purge/nervous breakdown. Included were earthquake size shakes throughout my body, shallow breathing, sobbing, gut-wrenching…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Therapy, Miscellaneous Tagged With: therapy, widow, on the road, husband, wings, counseling, Odyssey of Love, PinkMagic, EMDR, sugar addiction

The Pulse Beat of Love Over Everything Else~

March 16, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I have to remind myself, as many of us do, I expect, that this widowhood is, as I learned in AA, a matter of progress, not perfection. Because I, for one, consistently seem to expect more of myself than is realistic. By which I mean, I continually scan my body and mind and heart to see where I am in this grief and why I’m not further along, even…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Therapy, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous Tagged With: rage, EMDR, hospice, family, therapy, love, grief, widowhood, Daughter, husband, wife

This Seemingly Never-ending Road~

March 9, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

Is it just me?  I wonder, even as I know it isn’t just me.  Logically and because I literally know otherwise, it isn’t just me.   There’s a boat load of men and women through time immemorial who have lived this shit that I’m living, that we’re all living. And yet, my brain doesn’t let up about it.Why are you still so traumatized, Alison?…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Therapy, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous Tagged With: widow, grief, husband, trauma, chapter 2, EMDR, hospice, tapping, TRE, therapy

On Being Cherished…and Kissed…

March 2, 2016 by Alison Miller Leave a Comment

I was cherished in this life. Cherished by a man who determined, from the time of meeting, that I was the one for him. Cherished by a man who set out to show that love to me each and every day of our lives together, in word and deed.This is the time, 3 years ago, that my beloved husband, Chuck, and I, began, so very unknowingly, our final 2 months…

Filed Under: Widowed, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous Tagged With: widow, hospital, goodbyes, husband, love story, hospice, kisses, full moon

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