I have recently discovered the latest in a list of annoyances caused by being a … (I still choke on the word “widow”) … alone. As I write this post I am preparing to board a plane tomorrow for San Diego … Widows Camp. There. I said it. I don’t fly back in until Sunday night so I have to write the post early. I’m sure that many of…
anxiety
Hitting the Wall
This past week, I was hopeful about beginning to make some positive shifts in my life. About trying to focus more on the joys of life. I had some glimmer of the sort of energy and zest I used to have. Unfortunately, that didn’t last. Instead, I found myself in a state of overwhelm, to the point of having an anxiety attack on Monday – which…
Wanting Love
I feel like I feel too much and think too much when really I shouldn’t overthink the concept at all. Just flow with life and the new beginnings it may bring. Enjoy it for all that it is and could be. Instead though, I feel guilty and scared. Scared that if I allow myself to love again, that love will be taken away. Guilty that I have thoughts of…
One Month Till One Year
One month till one year, it’s difficult to find the words. Disbelief sums it up well. Disbelief that only one year ago we were living out our dreams together, both so insanely happy and in love. Never could I have imagined our happiness was just a mere month from being ripped away. Its eleven months today. On this day last year he was at work and…
The Strongest I have Been
The day began with tears. Its brutally unfair were my thoughts. He should be here! Where is he? My stomach in tight knots I felt physically ill. He would have been 30. The day was spent with family. Reminiscing and sharing stories. Keeping busy, we laughed, we ate, and we supported each other. Sending balloons up into the clouds the physically sick…
Day Of Birth
Day of birth. A day to celebrate life, at least it use to be. The person I was prior to grief made a big fuss over birthdays. Now I only wish I could fast forward past the day all together. Escape the impending date somehow. He would have turned 30. I would have thrown a surprise party, filling our home with orange helium balloons, but more than…
Working With Grief
This is my life now, living with grief is a daily battle. It never ends, we just try to adapt to life with grief. Last week I was filled with a new found strength. I used this strength to put more effort into my job and was proud that I felt as though I was finally escaping the fog. That was until I was pulled into a meeting at the end of what I…
Our First Father’s Day
For the past month it has been difficult to ignore the father’s day cards that existed on stands in shopping centres almost everywhere I looked. Mentally trying to prepare for the day “it’s just another day, no different from any other”. When the day arrived I woke with that mindset, it’s just another day. I called my dad to wish him…
Today I am Ok But Not Everyday
Usually I would write a blog post separate from my personal blog for Widows Voice. However this week has been a rough one, we all have them. Rather than write a totally new post I want to share a post I wrote earlier in the week that shows the dark side of grief. The side that most feel they need to hide. I want to tell you, it’s ok to not be ok!…
Home Without Him
Moving went as smoothly as possible, I culled a lot of old belongings like toys, baby clothes and little knickknacks. The new apartment is fresh and has a positive ambiance about it. My positive mindset however took its time to catch up. I was undecided on whether or not I would hang John’s clothes in the wardrobe of the new house. As I happily…
Home Is Where The Heart Is
I sat in the car alone, across the street from the vacant house we once called home. The house was the only one in the street without lights on. I hoped none of the neighbours would notice me parked and no one did. I sat in silence reminiscing on sweet memories of us taking evening walks under the stars. I imagined we were teenagers again, lying on…
I Don’t Want it Today.
I hit a wall yesterday. Majorly. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve gotten serious anxiety to the point that I could barely hold it together. In fact, the last time I can remember having this feeling was that rainy night – which I wrote about here – when Mike and I drove the moving truck across the Texas state line on our way to…