I find myself lost in reverie frequently.
Staring into the distance, seemingly.
What I’m really doing is staring into the stillness of my heart,
Into the stillness of memories long past.
As I write this blog, my fingers trail off typing and it takes a few minutes to come back to the here and now,
My mind wandering into the Universe where Chuck and I were together…
Clint Black sings in the background,
And I remember driving with Chuck, listening to the same tune as we adventured through the far reaches of the US, and meandered through the middle.
Chuck’s hand resting on my knee and my hand clasping his.
I’d like to say that I don’t ache for him any longer, these 7 years on,
But it would be a lie.
I do miss him still.
I always will.
It hasn’t necessarily softened…this longing for him.
It’s simply become a part of me, running through my veins, sometimes pounding more loudly in my ears…
the drum beat of my heart.
It doesn’t keep me from living life.
I’ve done all sorts of shit since his death on April 21, 2013.
I miss him, though.
I miss the lightness of being that was mine for all of our years together,
And I wonder if I’ll ever feel that lightness again.
I don’t know the answers to any of the questions that come with the death of someone we love.
I don’t know that there are any answers.
Though I’m certain no answer would rank as acceptable.
I don’t even know what the questions are any longer.
Missing Chuck isn’t about logic or conversation.
Missing Chuck is purely about my heart and my emotions.
I miss him.
I miss you, D~