One of the most difficult feelings or experiences that I continue to have after Boris’s death is regret, and the “what ifs”. These, of course, come up when thinking about the nature of his death by suicide, but tonight, I am thinking a lot about the regrets of our life together.
I regret so many of the arguments and the nagging. I regret not taking more trips together. I regret the rushing and the planning that I forced upon him. I regret being too rigid and close-minded. I wish I’d been a better partner to him. I wish I’d said “yes” more. I wish I’d asked more questions. These regrets weigh on me a lot. I know I have written about it before, mainly because it is a looming feeling, almost constantly.
I think this is coming up right now because I feel particularly “stuck”. I turned 30 last year, in a pandemic, and I am currently living with my parents. I am here for financial reasons (I am in a Ph.D. program and living in Atlanta is expensive) but mostly, I am here to help with caregiving for my dad with Parkinson’s. I love being with my family and having the flexibility to help with his care, especially as his Parkinson’s dementia progresses. But, I can’t help but want the life that I thought was going to be mine at 30. I want to be in a little house with Boris. I want to plan vacations and watch TV together at night. I want to decorate rooms with him and argue over dinner. And, I can’t quite sort out if I want that kind of life in general or if I only want it if it is with him.
These regrets and desires for something different in my life motivate me to want to take more chances and just live a fuller life. I want to travel and I want to learn and grow. I regret not living life more fully when Boris was here. I think the guilt of living a more spontaneous and open life after Boris’s death sometimes holds me back from that. But, I think he would want me to live. My own regrets and guilt pull me back, but deep down I know he would want me to do the things that feel fulfilling to me, even if they are things I never thought I’d do. If there is one thing I can learn from Boris’s life is that there is always more to learn and there is always more possibility for growth. I hope that I can break free from my guilt and regret and choose to live a fuller and richer life. I think that is what Boris would have wanted. I just wish he were here to live this kind of life with me.