The blog below was written on September 24, 2018. I sure have come a long way since I wrote this blog three years ago. So much life has happened for me since this time. And, I am so very, very grateful for this. I didn’t give up. I believe life could be good again, and now it is.
Lately, my life is getting louder and my grief is quieter. I can tell you that I never thought this day would happen. 4.8 long years have passed since Mike died and finally, I am living again. With lots of hard work I have arrived at the cusp of a very wonderful new life. To get here I allowed myself to intentionally feel my grief. I held space for it. And, because I leaned into my grief it slowly absorbed into my being and, in doing so, it has become softer. This has allowed my life to become amplified.
Mike will always be background music in my Soul, but before the beat of he and I was so loud that I could not hear anything or anyone else. It’s different now. Finally, I have a sense of ownership over my own life again.
“I am happy”. I have waited for 4.8 years to write this. I am typing this holding back tears because I honestly wondered if this would ever happen for me again. This is the first blog I am typing to you from my new house and I can announce to you that even though my home is in disarray I am well. I am happy and I have waited so very long to say this and mean it.
Makeshift plan (2018)
I do not have it figured out yet. But, day by day I am getting closer to finding my way back to life. I have created a makeshift plan that I’m getting excited about. And, being even mildly excited is reason to celebrate because for nearly two years I’ve been completely underwhelmed by my life.
I know that my new life will be very different from the one I imagined sharing with him. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. The life of have now is completely unrecognizable compared to the life I shared with Mike. But, this is the life I have. I can not go back to what was because it’s gone. Our life together died with him.
Whether I like it or not, I have to live without him. It’s up to me to make something out of my own life. So, I’m attempting to do just that. And, the plan I’ve come up with is solid. But, it requires me to be patient because I have children under my roof. I can’t launch into big changes immediately, but I am preparing for what I’ve decided is inevitable. Finally, I have a plan for my future; and, this plan and my desire to dig back into life makes me very happy.
For the first year, I simply survived his death. And, this took everything I had. I discovered that I was built strong; but, my grief broke me in places too. Now, I understand that breaking is a natural part of the process. It is necessary and unavoidable. When you fall to your knees – you will get bruised. And, when you are forced to crawl in the ruins of your shattered life, you bleed from the shards of what was. This is also necessary and unavoidable.
It’s an understatement to say that the first year was compiled of the hardest days,
and long nights of my life.
It was beyond awful.
But, with time, the bruising has healed.
And, see that my tears serve to cleansed me and ready me for what is ahead.
Somehow, I have survived his death.
And, now I am ready to do more than just survive.
I’ve grown restless.
I am no longer comfortable where I am.
I can no longer exist in this holding pattern.
I’ve outgrown this waiting place.
I need to move towards the future.
I’m thirsty for life again!
Looking back, I realize that it was essential to pause and gather myself after he died. But, fairly early on, I knew that I could not stay still forever. I recognized that I could not experience life in the comfort and safety of the cocoon I created after Mike died.
I am thankful that I never unpacked myself in this recovery zone. I hovered there for a long time; but, I did not allow myself to get comfortable there because I know that true, authentic living can not and does not exist while in hibernation. Nothing can be fully experienced in this suspended state.
I did not die when he did.
I am still alive.
And, I want to LIVE.
I want to live well.
I want to live fully and authentically.
And, I mostly, I want to live up to my potential.
Over the last year, with lots of hard work, I have begun to find some momentum. I’ve gained the confidence to move away from limbo, towards living. It been a slow process; but, I have made gains.
Slowly, I am coming back to life. I am coming back into myself. Or, maybe more truthfully, I’m becoming who I’ve been meant to be all along. With time, I am becoming the woman I need to be. And, now, I am seeing possibilities where before I saw nothing.
I have not physically arrived at my new life yet. But, mentally and emotionally I’ve already begun living it. I have left the place where I’ve existed for nearly two years. I’m working on actioning changes. I am allowing myself get off kilter. And, I’m taking chances. I am pushing back fear. Finally, I am doing what needs to be done in order to recreate a life worth living. And, in time, you can do all this too.
Godspeed to us all,
Today, August 2, 2021 and I can announce to you all that finally, after 4.8 years, I am happy again. I am living a life that is wildly different than the life I thought I would share with Mike, but the life I have recreated is good. It is MINE. I didn’t know if I’d ever get to this place, but here I am. I am happy and I am alive again. Mike would love this and… so do I.