Widow's Voice

Joshua Tree

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This month I embarked on a solo trip for fun to Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I have done this once before. In 2019, before I started my Ph.D. program I went to Puerto Rico by myself. It was freeing and exciting, but there were lonely parts and times when I wished I had someone with me. This trip was similar, but I was able to visit friends this time which helped with the loneliness piece. 

One of the things I did on this trip was visit Joshua Tree National Park. I went with a friend who I have known since elementary school and who is currently living in Palm Springs. We also attended high school together and unfortunately, we both experienced the loss of a partner. Her husband, also her high school sweetheart, died in 2017 of cancer. I brought some of Boris’s ashes with me on this trip and decided I would sprinkle some if it felt right. I felt safe with this friend, and there was one view in our time in Joshua Tree that I felt like Boris would find peaceful. I sprinkled a little of him and sent my love to him on the Other Side. 

I wanted to share this because I feel like my solo trip was another step in my pushing forward with life. Sometimes I think about how much Boris has missed out on by being gone. And what else we could have done together but we didn’t have the money or the time, or it just didn’t seem right. I want to do more exciting things this year, and seek opportunities to find meaningful connections with people and places. My life (due to caregiving for my dad) does not always allow this kind of freedom, but I hope I can take the opportunities that I do have.

I hope Boris enjoys Joshua Tree in whatever way he can, and maybe appreciates my attempt to sprinkle him in beautiful places or places that i think he would want to be. Right now, his ashes live in Atlanta, Hong Kong, New York City, and now Joshua Tree.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.