Widow's Voice

If Only.

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Photo by Wyxina Tresse on Unsplash

As I was driving the twins home from school on Friday something hit me. Just out of the blue, I started to full on cry. The kind of crying that I couldn’t do silently. The kind I couldn’t hide. The kind where I felt it deep down in the pit of my stomach. I tried so hard to stop it, but it just burst out of me. I didn’t want to freak the twins out or have them worry so I tried to stay as silent as I could, but it proved to be difficult. It took me by complete surprise. Then the thought came. I wish I could have saved Erik. How deeply and badly I wanted to have saved Erik. I wished with every fiber of my being that I could have saved him. Not only before it happened. But even with that glimpse of hope as I was doing CPR as much as I knew what the chances were, I still wished. I wonder what had brought it on. Was it the Christmas music playing in the background? Was it wondering what the twins wanted this year for the holidays that made me think about my deepest desire and want? I wasn’t even actively thinking about it, yet out burst the tears streaming down my face. I wiped it away as fast as I could hoping I wouldn’t have to explain to the twins why I was crying. It was already hard enough dealing with this random onset of deep emotion and I didn’t have to want to explain it too.

As we were walking into the house Wyatt came next to me and grabbed my hand, he looked up at me and said “Daddy…”, my heart dropped as soon as I heard him say Daddy. How did he know Erik was currently on my mind? Did he see me cry? But how could he know it was about his dad even if he did see me cry? As I was lost in my thoughts wondering how he could have known what I was thinking at that moment, he finished his sentence, “…is always kissing you, Mama.” “You and Daddy are always kissing” “Why, mama?” “Why is Daddy always kissing you? Why are you and Daddy always kissing?” At that moment I stopped walking. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt like that was a sign from Erik. A sign where I truly felt his presence near us. And I’m not one to fully believe in signs, but this somehow felt different to me. What a completely random thing for Wyatt to say just out of the blue. I looked at Wyatt and asked him what he meant. And he said to me “Daddy is always kissing you, mommy.” And so I asked him again “What do you mean babe? Did you see something?” And as quick as he was asking all those questions and making those statements, was as quick as he dropped the subject, “I don’t know,” he shrugged and started talking about his toy cars. Still a bit bewildered that he knew the exact moment that I was thinking about Erik in mind I continued to walk inside. Thinking to myself again how he could have possibly known to bring Dad up at the same moment I was having one of those thoughts. And just tired from my feelings and a deep desire of which I knew couldn’t come true I decided to believe that it was Erik’s way of sending me a sign. A sign through his son. A sign I wish sometimes I could have seen with my own eyes. If only.

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.