So, a couple years ago, my parents moved to an over 55 condo complex near the beach on Cape Cod. Its a wonderful place they live in, they have made many friends, and other than the fact that they are now a 2-hour drive away and I dont get to see them as much due to my crazy “work 3 jobs” schedule; Im happy that they are where they are. At the same time, my dad’s dementia with Alzheimer’s diagnosis is starting to come into play more and more, little by little.

The other day, he and my mom were at the beach with some friends, looking at the sunset, and they had brought beach chairs with them that were pretty low to the ground. My dad has very weak knees, and has had trouble walking long distances without holding onto railings or other things. He has to stop and rest often. He is also VERY stubborn, and so far, refuses to do light exercise to help strengthen his knees, or use a walker or a cane to help himself. Why? “That’s for old people!” – said by the 79 year old man who can barely walk and holds onto the walls while walking through the hallways where he lives. Anyway, they set up the chairs, everybody sat down and watched the sunset, and then … well, I think you can see where this is going. Everyone got up, except my dad. He tried to get up and just couldn’t support himself enough to do it. So my mom and their friends had to all help him up, which he absolutely hated and felt embarrassed about, and as they were helping him, his knees buckled and made crunching noises and he hurt himself and then he REALLY could barely walk back to the car. He didnt want to go to see the sunset in the first place, and so now he is feeling even less social than he was already.

Even though he is still in the moderate stages of this thing, this disease has already changed my dad in so many small ways. His body is tired out easily, and he doesnt like to exercise much. There is depression in his family, and he is definitely becoming depressed with the way things are. THe things that he used to really like to do — singing along to kareoke tapes, going to watch his teenage grandson play baseball, even talking with me on the phone and catching up – these things now happen rarely or not at all. His doctors keep telling him that he needs to get up and do more, that he has a gym right there in the complex they live in, and he should do even 10 minutes daily on the stationary bike. But he won’t. He just tells them: “Im not motivated” or “I don’t want to.” This is all very stressful on my mom, of course, and it’s very sad to see him just sort of giving up on life as this disease progresses.

Im going to visit them over Fathers Day weekend, and Im hoping to just have a nice time and be able to talk with him, joke around, and bring him some of his favorite treats from the Finnish bakery that we have here that I know he misses so much. And while Im going through this divorce, and getting ready to sell our house, and all the pieces of my life are getting ready to fall away into the land of the unknown, I want to turn to my dad and talk about all of this. I still can, but his conversation focus has changed, and his ressponses have changed, and his level of understanding has changed. And it’s hard. And when I go there, the focus needs to be on him and what can I do to be of help for him and my mom? How can I make things just a tiny bit less stressful? My hope is to be able to focus on the pieces of my dad that are still there, and that are still very much HIM. And even though that is true, I do feel as if I already miss the person that my dad was. I already miss him, as I see the new and different versions of him emerging.

As this happens, my goal will continue to be to do my best to love each new version of my dad in the best way that I can. He is still my dad, and I want to be present for whatever is going to come.

Thanks for reading.