We fall into our patterns and the longer we are in them the tighter they stick. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Peppered into our day are all sorts of habits. It’s the repetition that provides us comfort. We say good night and close our eyes until the next day when the sun returns. The question I have for you is do you know or do you believe that the sun will rise tomorrow?
Many of us would automatically say “I know” which makes sense because every day for as long as there have been days we can depend on the pattern of the planets. It’s when we think about it deeper that we realize, despite your belief systems, every night we go to bed with a dash of faith and a little bit of hope that tomorrow will come. No one knows for sure that the sun will absolutely be there. Even though little orphan Annie sang her heart out about it, no one can promise us that the sun will come out tomorrow. Could there be a solar storm, an asteroid or some manmade disaster overnight? All those possibilities are scary but even now we are looking outward because looking inwards is even scarier. So let me ask the question again but from a different viewpoint.
Do you know or do you believe that you will rise tomorrow? Do you know or do you believe that those you said “good night” too will have a tomorrow?
I have dealt with loss throughout my life. All of my grandparents, a friend in high school who couldn’t stand the pressure and died by suicide, my father trying to manage lifelong pain, Clayton feeling a little under the weather and than gone in 8 months. The uncertainty of tomorrow is very apparent in my thoughts every day. It causes me to stop and pause to feel both gratitude and fear. What if my tomorrow doesn’t come?
I don’t dwell on the thought or let it consume me but it is always there. Some days it makes me nervous. Some days it makes me more adventurous because YOLO right? Some days it makes sense when the thought hits and some days it’s entirely unexpected. I want to share with you something that happened last week that I did not tell many people about. I was making coffee on a regular morning and it hit:
“Here you are making coffee by yourself. What if you never have someone to make coffee with again? What if you got really sick and there was no one here for you? What if you had a heart attack right now? There is no one here to try and save you. You could die today and no one would check for a few days.”
The overwhelming fear knocked me to the ground. Hyperventilating, holding my chest and tears running down my face – I was having a huge panic attack. It had been years since my fiancé and I separated that I had my last attack. Strangely enough, I felt gratitude that I knew what was happening. I could feel the feelings of fear knowing they would wash away verses the first time when I thought I was not having a tomorrow. Soon after, I felt relaxed enough to stand but was exhausted. I told a few people what had happened and took a nap to recover.
I’m not telling you this so that you feel sorry or worried for me. I’m going to be ok but so many have gone through this journey staying quiet and that can sometimes make the walk harder. I write these blogs to help others see the words that they hear in their heads and hearts, which sometimes are scary. I want you to know that we all have these fears. We all have doubts. We all have difficult days and it’s normal to believe that the sun will come out tomorrow…