Here in Atlanta, it is starting to feel like fall. I am sure we will have more hot and humid days ahead because our weather is so tricky, but this week we’ve started to feel our first taste of low humidity and crisp air as the season changes. Since Boris died, I have noticed that the change of the season from summer to fall makes me incredibly blue. This year, I have tried to pay closer attention because I can’t put my finger on why this season would make me especially sad. There are no special dates in the fall related to Boris or his death. My birthday is in December and of course, the holidays are hard, but I don’t know why the change from summer to fall is so difficult. I know that seasonal depression is very real, and I wonder if that is what is happening for me, but I thought that wouldn’t come until the very cold days of December and January.
One of the confusing parts about this feeling is that I truly love this weather. Today was very sunny, cool in the shade and warm in the sun, the humidity was low…it was a gorgeous day. I went for a walk mid-morning because I knew the weather was so nice. As I was walking, I began feeling sad. As soon as my body felt this season change, I felt a lump in my throat. Why am I so sad in this beautiful weather?! I know that gloomy, very cold days have made me sad in the past. And very rainy days bring my mood down. This makes sense for me–I am sensitive to the weather and it affects my mood. But, it just seems like this sunny, warm weather would make me happy. Everyone else is boasting about fall–how wonderful it feels outside and how excited they are to wear fall fashion and enjoy hot Starbucks drinks again. But, I just feel sad. I have to fake being happy about fall.
I am not exactly sure what is causing my seasonal sadness when summer fades to fall. I don’t know if it is just the passing of time and knowing I am living another season without Boris. I am not sure if it is that everyone else’s happiness is making me sad, maybe jealous? Maybe it is because it feels like everyone is so happy, so I am supposed to be happy, but I am just not. But, this sadness is real. And, I know I will have to work hard to care for myself this season.
I just thought I’d write my thoughts out and maybe it would help. Maybe there are others who feel similarly. If you are feeling blue right now, even as other people are soaking in the beautiful weather and planning fall activities, I am with you and you are not alone.