Widow's Voice

Daydreaming.

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Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Boris came back to life now. If he just appeared again, alive and starting where he left off. Maybe he was never dead. Maybe he was just away. I have little daydreams about this pretty often (And, sometimes my subconscious joins in and I have vivid dreams at night about this). 

In my daydreams, I wonder…what would he think of me now? Would he be proud? Happy for me? Angry at me? Sad for me? What would he think of this world? What would he think of how everything has changed yet everything has stayed the same? 

It seems silly, but I worry about him seeing me 25 pounds heavier than the last time he saw me, and then I think…maybe he’d be into my softer, even curvier body. Maybe he would love it even more. I wonder if he’d like my tattoos and my pierced nose. What would he think of this edgier version of me? I wonder if I would look older to him. Maybe he would notice the little lines around my eyes have gotten deeper. Perhaps he would notice how tired I look.

I wonder what he would say about me quitting my job and getting my Ph.D. I think he would be proud of it. I bet he would love the fact that I drive a Honda now. And that I take piano lessons. And that I finally tried marijuana. I wish I could hear what he has to say…

In these daydreams, I ponder, “what would he think of this or that” and I wonder what songs he would hate or love or if he’d be making Tik Toks. But I also wish I could find out so he could just be here again. Sometimes these day dreams are so vivid. I can picture him picking up our cat and giving her a squeeze, then rubbing her ears and talking to her in that high-pitched voice he used. I hear his laugh, and I see the way he would stand with his arms folded, occasionally using his hands to talk. And his big infectious smile. I can feel the stubble on his face. I can see the scar on his wrist from a very angry cat at the vet’s office where he worked. I wish he would just reappear like in these daydreams. We could spend days and days catching up from where we left off. We could lay in bed, and I could introduce him to Ted Lasso, and I could tell him how angry I am at the world.

What would he think of 31-year old me? How would he look at me? This person who is now changed by trauma, grief, a pandemic, and caregiving. Would things feel different between us or would it be just like he was never gone? Would we fall in love all over again?

These daydreams are so bittersweet.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.