It has been a while since I have cried. A really good, long cry. The last time I think was when I watched the Netflix movie Fatherhood. I sobbed during that one and then for a while after. Sometimes it feels so good to cry, doesn’t it? It is like it has been bottled up inside you for so long, waiting to erupt. And when it finally does, it just flows and flows. I used to need to cry like that at least once every few days. Now it is less frequent, but I wonder how much of the infrequency is me holding it in or pushing my emotions down. I have a playlist on Spotify of songs that make me cry. Sometimes the tears come immediately when I listen to certain songs, but other times I can listen and feel nothing. They are all songs about death, of course. Sometimes they hit me and sometimes they don’t. The same with old photos of Boris or love notes. I never know when seeing an old memory is going to make me cry.
The other day I took a nap, which is pretty rare for me. I was exhausted. During my maybe 45-minute nap, I dreamed I was talking in front of a large group of people, it seemed like a work meeting or conference. I had to talk about a former co-worker who died (this death happened in real life) and when I did, I started crying. And then, I couldn’t stop. I started sobbing uncontrollably and had to run out of the room. I remember running down a hallway. I could feel that intense heaviness and heat on my face. That deep, intense crying sensation in my throat. I woke up from my nap and had tears on my cheeks. I felt even more exhausted, of course. I wonder if that dream was my body telling me that I need some release. I need a good cry. I am ready for it when it happens. I know it is good to release those emotions. Sometimes the weight of grief and trauma is too intense and I want to just push it aside so I can get through my day. And I think sometimes that is ok. But, I know that sometimes I need to let the waves crash over me, too.