I know I can be happy again.
I’m just growing impatient.
It’s been 3.3 years since Mike died.
I have diligently attended to my grief.
I’ve been a good student.
So, when is my life going to feel good again?
A lot of time has passed since Mike died. And, I am not sad like I used to be anymore. But, I am still not altogether happy. Not even close. I am simply just not sad to the depths of me any longer. I don’t think a human being can bear the Soul crushing sadness of early grief forever. Grief kindly changes so that we can live forward. It is just what happens over time.
So, yeah, I am not utterly and completely devastated by Mike’s death any more. Now, I’m just not content with my life. And, I am not sure this is any better. In fact, this condition might be worse because I can continue to live this way. And, this is no way to live.
Living a life that feels blase is a waste of life – I know this. I admit that I am underwhelmed by the life I am living, yet I am not sure what to do about it. I know that only I can change any of my discontentment. Only I can stop myself from living a life of indifference and devoid of passion.
So, now what? What do I do so that I don’t feel so bloody underwhelmed? What can I do to “fix” any of this? How does one manufacture a sense of contentment? Is that even possible? How can I reawaken passion inside myself? How do I wake from this state of blaseness?
I have been writing about this condition for the better part of two years and not a whole lot has changed. I remain tired and underwhelmed with the life I am living. I wish to recreate a good life, but I feel physically and emotionally fatigued. I am Soul Tired.
And, today, I am unsure if I am up for the task of rebuilding my life. Maybe today, I just take a break and stop trying to mount a come back. Maybe today I just listen to the rain hit my window panes. Maybe I just let this be enough.
These days, I am no longer completely consumed by my grief;
I have become numb to pretty much everything in my attempt to survive outliving Mike.
I feel that I have developed an apathy towards pleasure and passion and this is a terrible thing.
I have never found anything so hard as being Mike’s widow. It has taken everything in me to survive this last 3.3 years. And, I’ve grown bored of just surviving. I want more. I desperately want to feel again. I want to come back to life more than anything. I miss breathing in all the beauty around me. I miss being fully engaged in my life. Dammit, I miss feeling alive.
Once upon a time, I was the girl who loved life. I was the one whose laughter ricocheted off the walls of the room. I was the woman whose eyes would light up when he walked in that same room. I was full of whimsy, adventure and spontaneity. Mike loved all this about me. I did too.
I used to be thirsty for life; and, now, without him, I am just kind of existing. I am skimming along, touching the surface of things. And, this feels so unfulfilling and wrong. I used to be a person who massaged passion. And, now, I don’t even remember the last time I felt passionate about anything. These last 3.3 years have stripped me bare and I no longer recognize myself. *Sigh.
I know that grief doesn’t give a shit if I’m Soul Tired. No one really cares if I feel blase. It is largely irrelevant to everyone, except me. So, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off whether I am tired or not. I owe this to myself and to my kids.