Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 51 years old.
Don was 46 when he died, and in my mind, he is forever 46. Since he was almost 8 years older than me in life, its always weird to me that I am now older than him forever. Each birthday after my 46th one had that weirdness to it, and it just keeps getting weirder. On the scale of “widow weirdness”, this one ranks right up there.
I keep on getting older, and he doesn’t. I keep aging, and he never will. I keep on having birthdays, and he will have no more. This makes me sad each year, and also, I do my best to celebrate my life and the privilege of living, because Don does not have that same privilege. I used to be very excited about my birthday, and I called it my “birthday month”, and announced its upcoming arrival to the world as it approached. I told Don each year that he better do something awesome for my birthday. The year he died I was 39, and my upcoming 40th birthday was upon us. I told him that year “I hope you are planning something EPIC for my 40th!” I think falling down dead from a heart attack 2 months before my birthday was not what either of us had in mind, but it certainly qualifies as epic.
This last year of being 50 years old has been truly a year of thinking, pondering, reflecting, and re-evaluating. Its hard to put into words, but I feel my mortality and others mortality more than ever, and I feel the time passing so fast. This year, all I want is to spend a few hours with my whole family; my parents, my brother and his two kids, and my husband. Our plans changed about three times in trying to make this happen, due to impending weather (my parents drove down from the Cape which is about 2.5 hours away and will be headed back tonight), minor illnesses/people not feeling well, and other factors. Literally the ONLY thing I wanted and want on my birthday (well, the day before my birthday, technically, because my birthday is on a workday and Ill be working) is to be with family and for it to be STRESS FREE. There has been too much stress this past year in so many ways and for so many reasons, and I just want us to hang out for a few hours and share some food and cake and a few laughs. Hopefully that is what will happen in just a few hours, but it is being cut short due to the above mentioned issues. Im okay with that. Things happen, and being flexible is not a problem for me. I just dont like conflict and I dont like wasting precious time with tension or people being unhappy. Its that damn LIBRA mentality. I want harmony. No conflict. Balance. Peace. And birthday cake.
Happy Birthday to me. Things change as life changes, and you just gotta roll with it and take what you can get.
I love my family and a few hours with them, however it plays out, is aces.