So its been one week exactly since Mothers Day, and since I walked down the stairs to find my beloved kitty Sammy, lying there dead on the cement basement floor. As hard as I try not to focus on that part, its tough. Every time I walk down there this past week, and if Im standing near the area where I saw his little fragile body which looked like it had toppled over or collapsed, I just start crying. Its awful.
My husband Nick buried Sammy in our backyard, and made a beautiful area with his name and rocks and eventually, flowers will bloom and grow there. I know that eventually, I will find some comfort there, but right now, Im not sure why, but I havent felt much of a need to go over there and reflect and remember or whatever. I guess it just makes it so final, and Ive always been a bit freaked out by the whole burial thing anyway. I dont know. Him being in the ground rotting away is not the least bit comforting. I guess after awhile, Ill be able to focus more on his kitty soul being there and stop thinking about his fragile and old physical body. He was skin and bones at the end, and its just hard to think about. My poor Sammy.
So it’s been a week. Im exhausted. There are other things going on too, which are making life just very hard and very sad right now. Family members who are very sick, other family members who are on their way to being not well, and so much more that I cant get into here, because of others peoples right to privacy. Lets just say that life is hard right now, everything feels overwhelming, and my stress levels are rising slowly. When it comes to stress and worry and anxiety, it is all of the things which are contributing to my feelings of unsettled and shaky.
One thing thats helped a little is going downstairs to comfort our other kitty, Autumn. She is 15 years old herself, so no spring chicken there. So far, she appears to be healthy and no issues, other than she is very sad right now, not eating too much, and seems a bit more cuddly than usual. (Sammy was the cuddly one – Autumn not so much.) She purrs when I sit with her, and she takes her paw and pulls my arm into her, then licks my arm or hand. This is not something she has done in the past, and its something that Sammy did often. It makes me smile and cry and all of the things all at once – and I just sit with her and tell us both: “Its going to be okay, sweet girl. We will be okay. ” This cat has been through the sudden loss of her sister Ginger at age 3, the sudden loss of Don, and now the sudden loss of Sammy. She has also moved with me FOUR times now, and so much more change. Autumn is a trooper. Im pouring all my love into her right now, and even though she wont sit in my lap or let me hold her like Sammy did, she likes to be super close and petted and she purrs louder than any cat Ive ever known. Her fur/coat is also very soft and beautiful, and its comforting to pet her.
Thats all I got right now. Sorry to any non-animal lovers out there reading this, but this loss hurts on so many levels, and because we adopted Sammy together all those years ago, it feels like losing another piece of Don again. And because we never got to have children, our pets mean the world to me, and its just so damn sad when they have to go.
Im tired. Thanks for reading.
