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A Frightening Game

Posted on: May 14, 2022 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I think it is important to continue to evaluate your emotions as you travel further forward into the future leaving behind that milestone marked as your new start – AL (After Loss). We categorize our lives on timelines and anniversaries of all types. My cathartic calendar holds holidays, birthdays, reunions, and all kinds of anniversaries. However my dates now hold reminders of deaths. Some expected, some not but all peppered across the paper of my future time.

I also want to speak the words into existence and state that your grief evolves you. Grief is like a virus that enters you through your emotions and affects your DNA permanently. The adversity alters you and you become a different species of yourself. New knowledge infused in your being that brings strengths and weaknesses. As I continue my growth through my grief I have noticed subtle differences that have a larger effect on me than I realize sometime. I can’t dive into all of them today but a recent event had pointed out that I carry around a strand of Grief DNA that needs slow extraction – I’m often afraid I will lose everything.

Yes it is true that nothing lasts forever but many people (and the fairytales we are taught) don’t have the loss as early in their calendar as “expected”. The jarring truth when you lose sooner creates deep fears that leak out in various ways. For me, I have a deep fear of losing everything. Will I be alone? Will I be jobless? Will I be homeless? Will it all be gone tomorrow? My self-preservation has been activated in a new way. Normal fears can be pushed back and controlled but the Grief DNA unleashes natural instincts, fight or flight and developmental stages we don’t often think about.

When you are a baby, you lack what is called “object permanence”. Babies don’t know or understand that people and objects continue to exist if they can see them. For some babies, “Peek-A-Boo” can cause positive reactions like smiles and laughter but for others a fear could build at the unexpected. This past week I recovered from a difficult asthma attack. When the air returned and I opened my eyes so did a number of fears. The Grief DNA went into overdrive and sent me into self-preservation. I could lose everything at any moment. It could all go away in split second.

That episode was difficult but I’ve learned to seek the schooling. There’s a lesson buried in those fears that I need to uncover, acknowledge and release. I fear every day that I can lose anything and everything. Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? No. I can’t hold onto the calendar and refuse the page from turning. Time holds more strength in a second than I have in stubbornness. It’s time to acknowledge and begin to grow through my permanence perspective and stop being afraid the Universe will play a frightening game of “Peek-A-Boo”…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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