Well, in a few days I turn 31. Last year’s birthday felt hard because I was entering a new decade that Boris will never experience. He is forever 27. Frozen in time. And now 31 feels so far from 27. Like I am a different person, entering a whole new world that is separate from him. It feels weird and kind of lonely. I think my birthdays may always have a bit of a sting. Even while eating cake and enjoying the company of family and friends, it will always remind me that I am getting older and Boris never will. Each year brings me further from him.
This birthday is also bringing me some feelings of “what am I doing with my life?” but I know that is normal. My life does not look like I planned, or anywhere near what I imagined. Boris’s death shifted everything about my future. And, now, my dad’s declining health is creating a whole new world that I never wanted. If I am honest, I do not love my life right now. But, I do try to make the most of it. And I know I am lucky in so many ways. I try to practice self-care, say yes to opportunities, and not worry too much about making things perfect. I still grieve the life I wanted with Boris. And, seeing my dad’s dementia and Parkinson’s worsen is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. But, these are the cards I was dealt and I have to just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I am ready to take on 31 with an open heart and mind to the possibilities, even though I know there are hard days ahead. Even though I know that there are going to be days that bring me to my knees. But, I have been through what I never thought I’d survive, yet here I am turning 31.